Licensed · Insured · Extremely Sure
Are you stupid?Let me fix you.
Hi. I'm John Johnson. I am a therapist, and I have already reviewed your entire situation from across the room. It is going to take one session. Two, if you're going to be like that about it.
The Method
Three steps. You will only enjoy one of them.
01
You talk
You get four minutes. I will know by minute two. The other two minutes are a courtesy.
02
I tell you
This is the part you are paying for. It takes about nine seconds and you will not like it.
03
You go and do it
This is the part you will avoid for six weeks and then do anyway. Consider skipping to the end.
Unverified Testimonials
People have said things.
"He looked at me for eleven seconds and said 'it's your job.' It was my job."
— Former patient
"I came in with anxiety and left with a to-do list. Rude. Correct."
— Anonymous, by request
"Worst best hour of my life. I have recommended him to four people I love."
— D., still annoyed
Questions
You have several. I have answers.
Is this a real therapy practice?
No. This is a joke website and John Johnson is not a real person. If you are actually looking for support, please find a genuine licensed therapist — they are excellent, and not one of them will open with "are you stupid."
Are you a doctor?
No. I'm not even really John Johnson.
What's your modality?
Telling you.
Do you take insurance?
Insurance does not take me.
What happens if I cry?
Then it is working. Keep going. There are tissues, obviously, I'm not a monster.
Can I book a second session?
You won't need one. But yes — and I will say "I told you" at no additional charge.
Book the one session.
Leave your name. I'll already know the rest, but the form likes to be filled in.
For the avoidance of doubt: this is a parody. John Johnson is not a real therapist, holds no licence, and has no patients. Nothing here is medical or mental-health advice. If you are struggling, please talk to a qualified professional — or, in a crisis, your local emergency number or crisis line. They are very good and they are genuinely on your side.